“So I grew up in a Christian family but just lived my life going through the motions of it for a really long time: went to church every day, sometimes twice a day, participated in every ministry I could (worship team, kids camps, all the works). But it was such a hopeless life. The problem was that I KNEW all the stories, I knew everything I was supposed to know – but I couldn’t feel it. It was all in my head and wouldn’t go down to my heart. And so I couldn’t believe it truly. I’m a lot like doubting Thomas in that; I need the proof. Thomas needed to see the nails scars on Jesus’ hands before he could believe He rose from the dead.
For me, it’s not so much see as it is feel. I always heard about this joy and peace Christians had and I knew I was supposed to have that too but I just didn’t. And so for a few years I really struggled with depression and questioning why everyone could feel that joy and peace and love – but I couldn’t. I still continued to stay faithful in my ministries and I still went to church and pursued a relationship, I was just so sad through it all. I felt like God heard me but wasn’t doing anything about it. I felt like I wasn’t as important as His other children. And people always expect me to say that there was this big huge thing that happened that made me automatically feel all of that and be all better, but that’s not what happened.
God really showed me that, though He is the almighty God who is sovereign over all and can do miracles in one moment, he also works in the little things. And He cares about the little things we care about. He isn’t only concerned with whether or not we follow Him, but He also cares about those seemingly stupid little things we for some reason care about. And He showed me that He is a God who knows me more than I could ever know myself. God didn’t completely take my depression away one day like I’ve heard in other testimonies – but little by little, day by day, He’s revealed His love for me through songs (songs and worship is what’s nearest and dearest to my heart – and God knew that), through the most random people telling me one little thing that God knew I needed to hear, through all these little things that, when added together, add up to the great love I didn’t know God held for me.
But the biggest thing God taught me through all of this is that we cannot depend on feelings. He is not a God of just feelings. We need to know that God is still right there with us even if we don’t see the “evidence.” We’re called to walk by faith, not my sight (feel). It’s still a struggle for sure – there are days I still have to fight the sad thoughts, and days I still let it get to me. But God is always faithful to remind me that He is my ABBA Father and He cares for me. A few weeks ago, a woman came up to me and said God told her to tell me something – “You were not alone. I have never left you. My mercies run over you my child. They are over you.”
I truly don’t know where my life would be today if God were not the center. Who knows where my depression would have led me? But I know in whom I have believed and let me tell you – my God is amazing.”