What’s the most important thing to me right now is learning to be patient with myself. It takes me a long time to embrace change and going through gender transitioning right now and taking masculinizing hormones feels like a very big step, and also just the beginning of this journey. I have already lost some people along the way. It took a long time for me to get to this stage in my life. I have lots of unlearning to do. But I’m moving forward slowly but surely.
My first testosterone shot was shy of 3 months. But emotionally and actively for the last 5 years, I started my transitioning journey.
I’m 35 years old, I was born and raised in Hong Kong, I knew I was born in the wrong gender from as early as I was told I’m a girl, but I felt different. Growing up was tough, I detached most of the time and was very quite hoping that people wouldn’t notice I’m different. I felt very alone.
My parents were always working, so we don’t communicate much. When I was 7.5 years old they decided to move us to Mississauga, Ontario, Canada, without telling us and we didn’t know a word of English. That was 1990, it was mostly white folks and farmlands. I was bullied a lot, I felt mostly isolated.
So I grow up most of my life detached, emotionless, hurt, angry, depressed… I did a lot of harmful things to myself and became someone that had lots of toxic masculinity way of thinking and behaving. I didn’t like that person.
When I turned 30 I decided to work on myself and my past traumas.. in that it opened up so much and within all that I asked myself how can I heal myself… and so I knew I needed to transition one day. So I’ve been spending the last 5 years actively learning and unlearning… toxic masculinity, the privileges that would come with being a male in this society, the way my transitioning can maybe be an inspiration to someone that also feels misplaced.
If your family is not supportive, don’t try to change them to find support. Instead, focus on spending time with people and talking to people who do support you.
If you live in an area without social support, seek support online. Instagram is a great start.
And if you are ever in crisis:
The Trans Lifeline is staffed by trans people for trans people in crisis. If you live in the US, call (877) 565-8860, or in Canada, call (877) 330-6366.
